The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Thread Started on Jan 25, 2009, 11:52am »
Written by ZenKing. Reposted in this Happy Bachelor Forum page for everyone to read.
I thought I would set down a “rough guide” for men thinking about starting a relationship with a single mom and what some of the ramifications are of dating and entering into a deeper relationship with a single mom could be. Of course this guide does not apply to all women or all men but it will list the main problems I have observed through over the years.
Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc… versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.
Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a “partner” to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.
One of the first strategies is to engage men who do not have children of their own. This allows the woman to portray the semblance of having and raising a kid is easy and there will always be a balance between their relationship with their partner and their child. Sometimes they will portray themselves as helpless victims, victimized by an evil and absent father – they need saving and you can save them. Another popular scheme is to make themselves look accomplished and together by extending their debt to ridiculous levels to portray they are all right and don’t really need a partner. There are quite a few more, but like I said, this is a rough guide.
One of the strategies is to involve the child with the prospective “partner” almost right away and foster a relationship between the man and her child. This allows a lot of leverage on several levels as time goes by. It allows for huge amount of guilt and shame if the man wants to break off the relationship, allows a bonding to take place that is hard to shuck off and other factors… You will hear phrases such as “any man who loves me must love my children!” etc…All designed to appeal to a mans sense of chivalry and protection. This hopefully facilitates a sense of belonging together and in the end marriage.
Most single men are unaware of what is going on when they start to date a single mom. It seems that the child is around, but it is pleasant, there is a clear distinction between adult and child time etc… it seems actually for most men, not a bad time at all. This allows the single mom to get the man closer and farther into the relationship. What is really going on is a shit-load of help from the single moms friends and other helpers. Tons of babysitting services, tips on dating, comparing notes and plans etc… No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on – do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.
One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated hat single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc…they seem to be ideal mates.
What is actually going on is well planned and orchestrated strategies to get a man into a relationship. I don’t know how many men have loudly complained that after marriage they were suddenly now doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and repairing around the house with zero time like they had before. I don’t know how many have said it was like night and day after they moved in. The kind compassionate woman the men met had some how now been replaced by a truly different woman, it was like another personality type than the one they married. In short a single mom knows she has to work harder to get a man and she will work harder, but for many the act cannot last that long and the real woman reveals herself. Usually his occurs just after marriage.
A lot of men though go for it and involve themselves in marriage with a single mom and do not really know some of the problems they will encounter. Here is a short list of several common problems that begin to creep up:
1. Being a “partner” means you get to pay for half- if not more. I have noticed after marriage a single mom works at dizzying speed to make sure her mans name is on all of the bills. She also will usually demand money also for a huge amount of her child’s expenses. It is also expressed as a part of “loving her and showing it”. I have seen men putting money away for college for a kid that’s not his. Buying ridiculous amounts of brand name clothes, expensive homes etc… all in an effort to be in a so-called “family”.
2. The Family you just got into is by invitation only. In most traditional marriages that produce children, the man, woman and child or children make up he basic family unit. In being a step- parent you are not the basic unit. The mother and child together are the basic unit. You are invited in and can be un-invited whenever mom feels it to be so. No matter what is said or mentioned before marriage, you will never come before her child. You will always be in a family and relationship where you come second, maybe third.
3. No matter what you think… her ex is going to be there forever. In just about every case the child’s father does not seem to be in the picture during the dating and courtship stage but seems to suddenly show up after. The reality is he was always there, your partner just never mentioned it…. The father will most naturally want to have a relationship with his child and he is going to be quite involved most of the time. Just about every time you will be dragged into the endless bickering and fights they have and you will not be liked by him…its only natural remember… also be sure to take into account the grandparents, uncles and aunts and all the family functions you will be attending with him, his child, his ex (your partner) and his side of the family. Get used to being uncomfortable.
4. Her kid will most likely not like you very much. Let’s face it you’re sleeping with their mom and most of the time the child will see you as a roadblock to his parents getting back together. Most likely the mom has made you the giver of discipline in the relationship, being the man and all…which results in the kid hating you. Or after watching the child run amok for weeks after you arrive you change juniors’ schedule to include some discipline and then you also hated even more. An amazing amount of men involved with single mothers report how the child hates them, but he can keep buying gifts to try to win their affection. Some call it the ATM effect of diminishing returns.
5. All that time you had together with your new love will end after marriage. The number one job of a single mom is simply to be a mom. She is not a party girl, hiker, camper, biker, clubber etc… Just be prepared for a frontal assault on your time and money after marriage. You will find your weekdays taken up with homework, PTA meetings, suppers at home, and early bed times. Weekends will be the time for the child’s extra-curricular activities and other activities. If a single man is wondering what happens ask any father of children how their time is spent, it will not be on hobbies. You will hear endlessly the phrase “we are a family now and this is what a family does” of course your idea on family will differ…but it is her family and she will make the choices.
6. You will wonder what happened to all your money. Most men involved with a single mom report that their money seems to dry up. Children are expensive- expensive like most men have no idea. Between school supplies, clothing, vast amounts of food, babysitters if you ever want to go out, medications, fees, sports, supplies, toys and such… well, there will be little left. As a footnote there is also another ploy by some single moms that men also forget about. The child’s father is paying for a lot of these things. Quite a few men have reported that their wife or girlfriend was getting them to pay for such things as sport fees, equipment, university funds, school supplies and such but at the same time getting the child’s father to pay for these things also. Double billing, also called fraud, is quite common but it does allow the single mom to have almost zero expenses for her child as two men are now paying for junior…. Another ploy that is quite horrific was a man whose wife owned a home and he moved in with her and her child. Although he fixed it up, paid half the mortgage and expenses- she had willed the home to her children. When confronted she said since she would be dead she did not care if he had a home or not, her child came first. So be careful with matters of money. Very careful.
7. You will never really be accepted. I have observed time and time again the heartbreak of a step parent as the child gets older. After putting them through school, providing a place to live, food, getting the child all kinds of gifts and honestly really caring about the child and such I keep hearing this one story over and over. The time comes for a grad or a wedding, the step parent thinks he might be lauded for his sacrifices but instead is shunted to a back seat or not invited as the child invites mom and dad to the party…and thanks them for all their love and work. Usually there is not even an acknowledgement of effort.
8. You will now be part of the single moms’ network. Be prepared to help out all her buddies as they helped her out. Endless weekends and nights of babysitting the other single moms kids so that they too may date and get a man. You will also discover why 75% of all people in jail come from single mother households. Try not to have any expensive items around…
9. Now that the single mom is now married she will need to impress her single mom friends with her new found happiness. Her happiness will usually include a new home in a good neighbourhood, new clothing, new items for the home, new car etc… there is an unwritten law it seems among a lot of single moms that they compete ruthlessly with their friends. If she does get married she needs to show them her new found prestige. Be prepared for huge new expenses.
10. You will have no time for errors. A lot of single men get involved with the single mom and her kids when the child is a bit older. Being inexperienced with children becomes a huge burden as the single man has no time to learn parenting skills…and mistakes are not readily forgiven nor forgotten when a kid is 4 compared to 14.
11. You may think it ends, but it never does. I know many men whose single mom wife promised them a completely different life after junior turned 18 or so. At the beginning of the relationship it looked like just a few years and then total privacy and freedom. Then years later they found out that junior is going to go to university for 6 years after taking a gap year off and not worry about a job as he will live at home. After that the story usually is that the child gets married and has kids and needs a ton of babysitting services. The dream of trips abroad, moving to a nicer place etc… evaporates for most men. They just wind up being early grandparents. The other option that happens a lot is the girls have children early and stay at home. Not only is the man taking care of his wife’s child he also has to care for her grandchild now!
12. You will have nothing to show for it. In the end when most men have their own children the work and effort is well worth it. The men did their best and raised a family, continued a line, get grandchildren…etc… As a step-parent you have contributed as much but you have nothing. Nobody carries on your name and most men realize they are not even ever thanked for their sacrifice.
13. The legalities can kill you. There have been numerous cases where a man has divorced or left a single mom and then found himself liable financially for her child. Although not the father he will be responsible for child payments, extra fees and most certainly university far after they are 18….check the laws out, it’s a raw deal. Couple that with some alimony and you get the whole effect of being a divorced and homeless dad with not one child of your own…. In the end women have asked for their freedom to make their own choices now for decades. I would advise all single men to let single moms make their choice of having a child by themselves and then live with it. Don’t involve yourself with these women under any circumstances. It can be in many ways, the death of a man. Well it’s a rough guide and you were warned….
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #1 on Jan 26, 2009, 1:30am »
Basically its best not to marry or live with sloppy seconds. If a man is horny and desperate for sex with a single mom, then just go in and out. Catch and release.
Basically its best not to marry or live with sloppy seconds. If a man is horny and desperate for sex with a single mom, then just go in and out. Catch and release.
And with a vascectomy, it's even better knowing that you won't be giving her an annuity hehe....
Joined: Jan 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 1,339 Karma: 73
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #4 on Jan 27, 2009, 7:09pm »
bravo, great article! 2/3 of POF is single moms... mostly TRASH. i could NEVER hand over a credit card to a woman. imagine dating someone with 3 kids: paying for FIVE meals out to dinner... FVCK THAT LOL.
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #8 on Mar 18, 2009, 5:01pm »
In the 80's, and 90's, I was a militant FRA/MRA. I worked with a guy who was extremely hostile, always telling me how badly women had it, and here I was making it worse for the poor dearies. He was, ahem, a step dad for three kids. A perfect candidate for conversion.
Eventually, he became almost as militant as I was. What got his attention was when I told him how c/s, supposed to be for the kids, was instead Mom's money. When his wife was laid off, when the c/s check came, instead of giving him the money to help out, because of course, he was paying all her kids' expenses, she grabbed that money and hit the mall to buy junk for herself. Then, when they went to the supermarket, he paid for everything.
Oh, I must tell you the rest of the story. One of these evil, vicious, little brats whose expenses he was paying, filed a false sex abuse charge against him when he cussed her out for coming home late. The next day she was living with her dad. This was in the late 80's, so this nonsense is not new.
She called the sheriff and with the help of two daughters of DV center man-haters told them he had done something not allowed, I forget exactly what. The deputies knew immediately it was a lie, but his wife agreed she had to go with her own dad.
Quite a few years later, he discovered those two daughters of DV center man-haters had both married ghetto bums, and were regularly getting the crap beat out of them. You could hear his rebel yell all over the building.
When the step-daughter got tossed out, he told her she could not come back to the house, until she wrote an op-ed publicly apologizing. Quite a few years later, she did, and she was allowed to visit them again.
B. did stick with him, I believe they have been together over 30 years and are retired. But, please remember that AW are not the same as they were 30 years ago.
Even if you hear a single/divorced mom success story, which is possible as rare as they are -- my story is one of them -- it is easier to win a 50 million dollar lottery than to have a successful step-dad marriage. There are too many good women in the world, and as scary as expatting might be, it is less work to move to another country than to marry a single/divorced mom.
My story was different, but with all the counseling of divorced men I did, I never once encountered personally another success story with step-kids.
In fact, the worst thing I saw men do was adopt those nasty little darlings. Of the men I personally knew, who did that, 100% of them eventually got tossed out, and ended up paying c/s as the adoptive father. It was like clockwork.
In fact, even though I do not recommend it either, if you absolutely gotta' harm yourself, import a FW, more likely Colombiana than Mexican, rather than marry a mom. It is still dangerous, but there are improved odds compared to marrying an AW.
Better yet, paint concentric circles on your chest, and then walk into an ethnic bar and shout racial insults. It will at least be a rather quick and relatively painless death, and will be no less deserved than what happens to men who marry moms.
Joined: Jan 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 1,339 Karma: 73
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #9 on Mar 18, 2009, 10:56pm »
great post irlandes
Quote:
There are too many good women in the world, and as scary as expatting might be, it is less work to move to another country than to marry a single/divorced mom.
IMO getting married in America is a bad idea. have any thoughts on women in Panama or Costa Rica? trips to Central America are fairly cheap.
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #13 on Mar 19, 2009, 1:43pm »
I have banged tons of hot single mothers in years past since they are sluts and I always wore a condom and just hit it and quit it. However, it really is not worth the effort. As for meals, I would make a massive pot of rice for $1 and add soy sauce and chop up some stir fried vegetables and a piece of meat. Or make tortillas, beans, salsa and rice. Total cost to feed the slut and her rugrats- $5. Thats how Asians and Mexicans feed massive families for dirt cheap. However, now, I avoid the skanks online. I am headed down to South America soon to enjoy the warm weather and hot latinas.
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #14 on Mar 19, 2009, 1:55pm »
They really do, except sometimes the poor Mexican families take their hot peppers direct.
A little girl who I help once a week with her English homework has two brothers. Her dad was out of work for two months, because the market of the factories here is rich American women, and sales are way off.
I went late one day, and there was a gigantic pot boiling. It had some green stuff in it. She told me it had, um, onions, some different vegetables, no meat. She was also cooking frijoles.
Their diet at that time consisted of that 'soup'; frijoles; and tortillas. That big pot lasted three days. They looked happy and healthy.
The reason for hot peppers is nutritional. If you eat only tortillas, and beans there are some crucial things missing, and health will deteriorate. Also, birth defects begin. If you add hot peppers, suddenly you have all you need for health, though a bit of meat once in a while isn't all bad.
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #17 on May 8, 2009, 4:31am »
Very well written.
I think though that most of the things you mention apply to relationships with all women not just relationships with single moms.
Even if you are biological dad, for example, you can still be "uninvited" from the family at any time. She controls who is present, and her decision supersedes everybody else's wishes both your wishes and the wishes of the children.
As another example, it may be awkward being around bio dad at family events if you are step dad, but it is equally awkward being around step dad if you are bio dad.
I guess my point is you are screwed no matter whether you are step dad or bio dad.
Re: The Rough Guide to Single Moms « Reply #19 on Jun 16, 2009, 10:01am »
My mom was a single mom of two when my father met her. Having a kid of his own with her made things easier i suspect, but he didn't have a good relationship with my sisters until they moved out and started families of their own, and came to understand the sort of sacrifice it takes to raise children, much more, some one elses children.
I grow peppers. Sweet and hot.
I use the hot ones to pickle with garlic and salt and pepper, and then i sell the bottles for $3 each to the natives. they put this spicy vinegar on almost everything. I personally enjoy a splash in my soup.
I wanna try my hand at Jolukias.
beware of over doing the spicy foods, acid reflux is no joke. A little bit of heartburn might not seem bad, but when you can't lean over or bend down without getting acid in your nose, you'll understand the severity of the condition.
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